Disclaimer: it's all a joke.

We are the Armenian mafia. No other mafia in the world extends such a broad range of services. We shall help you with your everyday needs whether it's killing your high school teacher or poisoning your annoying neighbor's wife. Our diverse and versatile services include doing dirty job (like disposing of a dead body) as well as elegant retro-style business (like faking suicide notes for your enemies). With our profound knowledge and deep understanding of the mafia roots from all over the planet, we will cater to your specific needs. Rely on our full 24-hours customer service to perform your killing/hurting/warning procedures around the clock. And don't forget to use our special discount package: kill five, slaughter one for free. Call us at 1-800-XPEM-MERNES-ARA Below is the menu of some of our authentic mafia services.

Menq haykakan mafian enk. Urish voch mi mafia amboxj ashxarum chi matutsum nmanatip spasarkum. Ete dzez petk e spanel dprotsi dasatunerin kam tunavorel dzer tarax harevani knoje, apa menk karogh enk ognel dzez ayd arorya hogserov. Mer layn spasarkume endgrkum e manr munr gorcer (orinak, azatvel piskvats diakic) ev elegant retro biznes (orinak, kextsel inknaspanutyan namak dzer tshnamu hamar). Mer chisht gaghaparnere ev xore haskatsoghutyune ays mafioz ashxari adatneri kapahovi bardzrorak gorc, isk mer 24-zhamanoc heraxosayin spasarkume kogni dzez katarel chisht entrutyune. Menq kgndakaharenq ashxari tsankatsac masum (de amen tegh el hayer kan eli), amena bardzr vorakov, amena chnchin gumarov.. Dzer hogsere vstahetseq mer vra!!! Zangahareq mez 1-800-XPEM-MERNES-ARA hamarov. Mer gnatsutsake nshvats e nerkeve

• Taporel (to axe)
• Taporel iz-za ugla kam el vnezapni (to axe without a warning)
• Gluxe pokel (to blow the head off)
• Gluxe batsel (to crack the head open)
• Ankap Piskel (just slay meaninglessly)
• Xore imastov piskel (slay with a deep meaning)
• Ni za chto ni pro chto piskel (slay for nothing)
• Trolleybusi shtangi vra kaxel (hang on a trolley... *shtanganer*)
• Papakh marshrutki tak gtsel (drive over with a mini-bus)

• Namyok tal, vor ete lav chpahi, apa gluxe ktrelu en
• Italakan dzev: tarm dzuk ugharkel (vorpes zgushatsum), heto gluxe ktrel
• Hndkakan dzev: tarm lamb curry ugharkel, heto gluxe ktrel
• Haykakan dzev: tarm Jermuk ugharkel (za kayf), bayts miangamits gluxe ktrel (arants zgushatsnelu)
• Chicago dzev: votere betoni mej, berane izolentov patatel u tents gluxe pokel

• Amena dazhan dzev: ugharkel zokanchi mot (The most ferocious method: send to mother-in-law)

Spasarkman gortsikner (We proudly use the following tools in our work)

1. Topor, domkrat, chaguchi kot, dubinka, danak-manak, changyal, hartuk - at no extra charge
2. Sur tserov koshikner (Masis gorcaran kam Egvard) - add the cost of the shoes plus tax
3. pistalet, paytutsik nyuter - add $25
4. elektrakan ator - add the cost of electricity per Watt plus elektrik Rubo dzadza's hourly salary
5. mercedesi krishka, nivi pakrishka - gumar: xosalu vraya

Price List

Victim type	Price
Your Ex-kindergarten teacher (naxkin mankapartezi dasatu)	$120
Your Present kindergarten teacher (Nerka mankapartezi dasatu)	$140
Neighbor who has BMW 325 (Habrgats harevan, vor uni tap taza BMV)	$340
A rich man (Puzatiy demq)	$200 per centimeter
Minister, deputy or a thief(Naxarar, patgamavor kam el gogh-avazak)	$600
Neighbor's noisy wife (Harevani lachar knik)	free

I genuinely pity all the bone-heads who may get offended by the contents of this page.
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Page owner: Simon Simonian